Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR51-60/hum058

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-21 | 126KB

Received: From ACS/MAILQUEUE by charon.sbu.edu
          via Charon-4.0-VROOM with IPX id 102.940307070926.256;
          07 Mar 94 07:10:05 +500
Received: From ics.sbu.edu by charon.sbu.edu
          via Charon-4.0-VROOM with SMTP id 102.940307070926.256;
          07 Mar 94 07:09:26 +500
Received: from news.sbu.edu by ics.sbu.edu (4.1/SMI-4.1)
    id AA27376; Mon, 7 Mar 94 06:41:22 EST
Received: from  by news.sbu.edu (4.1/SMI-4.1)
    id AB08899; Mon, 7 Mar 94 06:41:29 EST
Message-Id: <[e-mail]>
Received: from UGA.CC.UGA.EDU by uga.cc.uga.edu (IBM VM SMTP V2R2)
   with BSMTP id 9163; Mon, 07 Mar 94 06:34:15 EST
Received: from UGA.CC.UGA.EDU (NJE origin LISTSERV@UGA) by UGA.CC.UGA.EDU (LMail V1.1d/1.7f) with BSMTP id 6723; Mon, 7 Mar 1994 06:34:13 -0500
Date:         Mon, 7 Mar 1994 06:34:11 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00058"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 18:07:31 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Elizabeth Bolyard <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to rush limbaugh fans...

what's the difference between rush limbaugh and the hindenburg???













one's a big fat nazi gasbag, and the other's a dirgible...

teeheehee...


********
liz bolyard...
bolyar_e@denison
********
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 00:00:43 EST
Reply-To:     Nicholas Nazarko <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nicholas Nazarko <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Trek stuff #3

One more Trek bashing post from the frozen land of Michigan's upper
peninsula...

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Nicholas Nazarko   "The UP, eh?  Aren't you guys part of Canada?"
[e-mail]
--------------------------------------------------------------------


>         THE TOP TEN FAVORITE ACTIVITIES OF CAPT. JEAN-LUC PICARD
>
> 10. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on
>     the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
>  9. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a
>     shuttle craft
>  8. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
>  7. Spotlighting unsuspecting crew members with the glare from his
>     forehead
>  6. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
>     life-forms
>  5. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick
>     Hertz is there
>  4. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
>     REAL Picard Maneuver"
>  3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the
>     Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
>  2. Telling crew members in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make
>     it so"
>  1. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away
>     team beams back up
>
>
>        TOP NINE FUN THINGS TO DO ABOARD THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE:
>
> 9. Skeet shooting the shuttle craft
> 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
> 7. Giving Worf A nuggie
> 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
>    to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
> 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals
> 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during
>    self destruct sequence
> 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
> 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
>    Prince Albert In A Can
> 1. Tribble sex!


 And don't forget, of course:



> *************************************************************************
> *                                                                       *
> *       Kenneth Pruett          Southern College of Technology          *
> *       [e-mail]        Marietta, Georgia                 *
> *                                                                       *
> *       Beauty is hereditary --- Your mother is ugly!                   *
> *       C code. C code run.  Run, code, run!                            *
> *                                                                       *
> *************************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 22:07:38 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Casket of Jewels <Mulla Nasrudin>

The Casket of Jewels

A woman carried a casket of jewels to the jeweller's shop. Just
outside the shop she tripped, and the box fell to the ground.
The top came off the casket, and the jewels were scattered.

The jeweller's assistants ran from the shop, to prevent passers-
by from taking any of the gems, and they helped to collect them.
An ostrich, which was wandering about, ran past, and, unnoticed
in the excitement, swallowed the largest and best stone.

Shortly, after the excitement of the accident of over and the
genes collected, the lady realized her best stone was missing.
She started to lament, and in spite of looking everywhere, it
could not be found.

One of the assistance said: "The only person who could have
taken that stone was yonder dervish, sitting quietly beside
the shop."

Now the dervish had seen the ostrich swallow the stone, but he
did not want blood to be spilt. Therefore, when he was
searched, deized and even beaten, he said no more than: "I
have not taken anything at all."

While he was being beaten again a man who knew the dervish's
reputation of honesty came up and reminded the little mob to
be careful of what they were doing. They seized him, too, and
accused him of having probably taken the stone from the
dervish, in spite of his denails.

The Mulla Nasrudin came upon the scene. He looked and he listened.
He asked for calm. "Dear friends, was that bird here at the
time when the casket was dropped?"

"Yes," said several people.

"In that case, address some attention to the ostrich."

The owner of the ostrich was paid the value of the bird, which was
then slaughtered. In its stomach was found the missing jewel.

Note about Mulla tales: The Mulla Nasrudin is a Sufi character
whose origins predates Islam in his homeland of Persia (modern
Iran). Nasrudin is an eternal sophomore. Mulla is a religious
title which implies the person is a teacher, leader, and even a
magistrate. The anecdotes which I post to HUMOR frequnetly see
the Mulla playing a simpleton, while other times he is the
teacher enduring the ignorant. These teaching-tales are not
jokes, but to those raised in the middle east or with Yiddish
humor there is something delightfully humorous in understanding
the lesson(s) of each anecdote. Mulla Nasrudin tales should be
understood as folklore. Many of the stories are ancient, most
have been modernized although there is the pretense that the event
occurred in ancient times, and new Mulla Nasrudin stories are
recent inventions. Idries Shah's books (published by NY's
E.P.Dutton) are my source for most of these tales. I post these
tales in the hope that others may be stimulated to post humor
from other cultures.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 22:16:31 -0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive Jokes

                          MAY BE OFFENSIVE!!!



A man walks into a bar in the old west and sees a horse with a jar full of money
and a sign in front of it saying, "Make the horse laugh, win the pot.  Only $5 to
try!"

The man walks over to the horse, whispers something in his ear and the horse
starts laughing like crazy.  The man takes the money and leaves.

About a year later he returns to the bar and again sees the horse with a jar full
of money but  now the sign says, "Make the horse cry, win the pot."

The man walks over, whispers something to the horse, pulls his pants down and
suddenly the horse starts to cry.

The man takes the money and starts to leave when the bartender says, "Mister,
nobody else has ever been able to make that horse laugh *or* cry.  How did you do
both?"

"Well, the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his.  This time I showed
him."
_______________________________________________________________________

A woman storms into the lobby of her country club and shouts at the golf pro, "I
got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

The pro replied, "I'll send someone out to look into the bees, but I can tell you
one thing lady -- your stance is *way* too wide."

________________________________________________________________________

 Dr. Dave                                   [e-mail]

            "Degenerecy can be fun, but it's hard to
             keep up as a serious lifetime  occupation."

_________________________________________________________________________
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 01:14:42 -0600
Reply-To:     Zak Daniel E <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Zak Daniel E <[e-mail]>
Subject:      cancellation

   Pleas remove me from this distro

        Please remove me from this distro.

                Please remove me from this distro>


                                Please remove me from this distro because
                                Icannot handle all of the mail>

Thankyou!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 31 Jan 1994 13:39:55 -0500
Reply-To:     "Matthew J. Malady" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Matthew J. Malady" <[e-mail]>

UNSUBSCRIBE Matthew Malady
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 09:07:28 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Unsubscribe

Unsubscribe Neil Schwartzman [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 08:21:54 -0500
Reply-To:     GEORGE COHEN <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         GEORGE COHEN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Buffalo Bills joke

What is the difference between a bag of  chips and the Buffalo Bills?


The bag of chips deserves to be in a bowl!



"how bout them cowboys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:03:12 -0400
Reply-To:     "Insanity is hereditary....you get it from your children."
              <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A mother fixation.......

A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and
sleeping disorder.

"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start
dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in
such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replies:

"What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 09:20:04 -0600
Reply-To:     Ed Ziolkowski <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ed Ziolkowski <[e-mail]>
Subject:      cancellation

        Please remove me from this distribution, I cannot handle all of the mail





Thankyou!
Ed Z
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:23:23 EST
Reply-To:     "David L. Kriegel" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "David L. Kriegel" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      allusion to dirty words 8-0

How do you catch an elephant?

First you dig a hole and start a fire in it until a lot of ashes are
formed.  Then you get some peas and place them around the hole and hide
in the bushes.  When the elephant comes by to take a pea, you kick him in
the ashhole!

***************************************************************************
* David L. Kriegel II                                [e-mail]*
* START UP Center                                           [phone]*
* Augusta College                                                         *
***************************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 09:31:29 -0600
Reply-To:     Greg Orlando <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Greg Orlando <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Multiple Recipients of List HUMOR

Please remove me from this list as I am unable to handle all of the mail.

Thank you,
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 08:37:08 MST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Potatoes (G)

Shopping in the vegetable section of the supermarket,
I observed a man gazing intently at a bag of potatoes.
"Excuse me lady," he said.  "I don't have my glasses
with me, and my wife wanted some Idaho potatoes.  Are
these Idaho potatoes?"

I looked at the printing on the bag and said, "No.
Those are Colorado potatoes."

"Good," he replied.  "That's close enough."

+========================+=====================================+
| Phil Corless           | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU              |
| Boise State University | Internet: [e-mail]  |
+========================+=====================================+
|   "Most of what folks need to learn in life ain't fun        |
|    to learn."           - Barney Fife                        |
+==============================================================+
|                    16 months 'til G-Day!                     |
+==============================================================+
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 07:41:37 PST
Reply-To:     Jay Sandhu <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Environmental Systems Research Institute
From:         Jay Sandhu <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: requesting lawyer jokes

D.E.Gulledge wrote:
>On Mon, 31 Jan 1994, Huffy C wrote:
>
>> Could somebody post or send me some good lawyer jokes?
>>
>Finally, a substantial example of humor, I didn't know there was such a
>creature as a good lawyer.


Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:46:43 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      TWOFER BUSINESSES

Ralph's Bait and Sushi Shop
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:55:17 EST
Reply-To:     Derrick Cole Raleigh <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Derrick Cole Raleigh <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Multiple Recipients of List HUMOR
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>; from "Greg Orlando" at Feb
              1, 94 09:31:29 am

According to Greg Orlando:
>
> Please remove me from this list as I am unable to handle all of the mail.

I have NEVER been on a list that's had as many signoff requests as this one per
length of time subscribed.  Can't people read/follow directions?  How about an
AI filter on the server that removes redundant and useless posts such as this?

Oh, in order to avoid flamage, the obligatory humor (a'la Steven Wright):

"I bought some Instant Water but didn't know what to add."

"One morning I woke up to find all my stuff in my apartment had been stolen and
replaced by an exact copy."

"I've got a place in the median of the Interstate.  It's great, but you've got
to be doing 65 to get out of the driveway."

"I once had a dog and named him 'Stay'.  I'd go 'Come here, Stay.'  Pretty soon
the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all."

Derrick
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:06:16 CST
Reply-To:     Victor McCoy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Victor McCoy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Two fer

On highway 49 just north of Gulfport, MS, there is a sign

Parker's Pecans and scrap metal (We buy Fur).


*************************************************************************
* Victor J. McCoy       internet address: [e-mail]  *
*                                         (134.164.156.14)              *
*************************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 11:33:10 EST
Reply-To:     "Rode, Eric K." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Rode, Eric K." <[e-mail]>

Alright, had enough...please remove me from this acursed
list!!!!!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 10:51:09 -0600
Reply-To:     Ernie Gammon <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ernie Gammon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      T. Harding/C. Barkley

From this week's _Newsweek_ magazine:

Charles Barkley : "I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the
                  Charles Barkley of figure skating.  I was going
                  to sue her for defamation of character, but then
                  I realized I have no character."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:00:10 EST
Reply-To:     "Rode, Eric K." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Rode, Eric K." <[e-mail]>

signoff..(clap,clap)..signoff..(clap,clap)..signoff signoff
signoff, me from this list..thankyou!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:11:55 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Scott McKenzie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      How to unsubscribe from HUMOR

This message goes out to all you HUMOR-ists who may wish to unsubscribe
from HUMOR sometime in the near future. Please save this message. It
contains the instructions on how to properly sign off of humor, and not
totally embarrass yourself by sending your request to the Humor server,
like so many foolish others have done. Heed my advice and learn from
their repeated mistakes, and avoid the deluge of nasty letters you will
receive from other humorists for posting a signoff request to the main
Humor list.

To unsubscribe from Humor, send a message to LISTSERV@UGA, and/or to
[e-mail], and in the body of the letter, say SIGNOFF HUMOR.
That should remove you from the list.

Good luck to those who unsubscribe, and happy HUMOR-ing to all others!

                                      - Scott McKenzie
                                        Elizabethtown College
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:19:56 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Scott McKenzie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      25 reasons to make love tonite

******************************************************************************
                        25 Reasons to make love tonight
********************************************************************************             25 REASONS TO MAKE LOVE TONIGHT...

* Twenty-one minutes of moderate sexual exercise will burn off the chicken-
  salad sandwich you had for lunch.

* Lovemaking is the perfect way to enjoy a nonalcoholic Happy Hour.

* Your dinner guests (bless them) just canceled.

* You don't have to reserve a court.

* It's an affordable gift for the man/woman who has everything.

* Those frantic gasps during moments of extreme passion won't harm the ozone
  layer.

* Consulting dermatologists tell us that afterglow is a leading cause of
  younger-looking, firmer skin.

* You can use the practice.

* Dozing off in your lover's arms induces a deeper, more restful sleep
  (does not apply if you fall asleep during sex).

* There's nothing good on television.

* Golfers swear it helps their swing.

* A presex back rub can actually improve your posture.

* Passion unlocks the mysterious powers of the mind, enabling you to think
  clearly about whether or not to redo the living room.

* You're in an especially festive mood-your in-laws finally left.

* Skinny-dipping a deux in a hot tub is one of the few over-the-counter
  antidepressants that doesn't come in a bottle.

* We know of no better subsitute for a trip to the mall.

* During inclement weather, lovemaking can lower the windchill factor
  by 50 percent.

* Sex is a valid way to make the earth move without using a garden trowel.

* Haven't you been wanting to reward him for painting the kitchen cabinets?

* Best-kept secret of professional numerologists: Multiplying the total
  number of climaxes you and your lover experience by the size of your
  bed in square inches will give you a winning lottery number.

* The memories will help you survive tomorrow morning's commute.

* Tonight may be the night your lover rediscovers a long-lost erogenous zone.

* You don't dare disobey your fortune cookie.

* Out-of-control lovemaking is far preferable to doing three loads of laundry.

* Making love is the best way to turn a bad day into a good night.


Hope you enjoyed them!
-Scott McKenzie
-Elizabethtown College
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:31:15 EST
Reply-To:     "Michael S. McCord" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Michael S. McCord" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      May be offensive to Jim Kelly fans

I heard Kelly couldn't get home last night after the Superbowl.

Someone put an endzone in front of it.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:35:29 -0500
Reply-To:     Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Signing Off [may be offensive to Christians]

Okay, it seems like there is a little confusion about how to sign off
this list, judging by the 5+ "remove me from this list" messages that
keep clogging my mailbox. Since this is a humor list, I'll point out the
hilarious bit about half of them spouting off about "clogged mailboxes".

So here's a reminder of how to sign off. This is an exerpt from the
message that the list server automatically sends out to every new list
member.

Excerpts from mail: 26-Jan-94 Your subscription to list H.. by BITNET
list server@UGA.C
>  You may leave  the list at any  time by sending a "SIGNOFF  HUMOR"
command to
>LISTSERV@UGA.  Please note  that this  command  must NOT  be sent  to
the  list
>address (HUMOR@UGA) but to the LISTSERV address (LISTSERV@UGA).

So remember: send those signoff commands to [e-mail], and
make sure you have the line:

SIGNOFF HUMOR

in your message body.

And I'm including a funny .signature to increase the humor content of
this post. It's a quote from my sister, about her theology class. It's
probably offensive to Christians.

Andy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
Andrew Stellman | "I'm going to take an introduction to Christian theology.|
[e-mail]     |  We get to crucify small animals, and for our final      |
read alt.spleen |  project, we can pick homeless people off the street and |
be kind to frogs|  throw stones at them"     -- [e-mail]    |
________________|__________________________________________________________|
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:47:00 EST
Reply-To:     warren k murray <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         warren k murray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Signoff

        under no circumstances sign me off this list.
        i would not want to miss the daily pleadings
        for mercy, please please sign me off not.
        warren k murray
        potsdam state in the frozen north
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:52:54 -0500
Reply-To:     Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dark Humor

Does anyone have any good suicide jokes, death jokes, and dark humor in
general?
It would be helpful.

Andy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
Andrew Stellman | "Bacon and surgeons probably cost about the same per pound,|
[e-mail]     |  but you need a quarter pound of bacon (compared to) 150   |
read alt.spleen |  to 170 pounds of surgeon."                                |
be kind to frogs|   - Timothy Brewer, article "Bacon Cures Skin Infestation" |
________________|____________________________________________________________|
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:54:16 GMT
Reply-To:     Jim Davis <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Davis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Two-fer businesses

In Huntingdon, PA  (Home of Juniata College)  you will find the following:

Mark's Corner Store ==>  sells guns & slurpies
A Waterbed and video store
A combination nursery/garden shop that also sells yogurt, cheese and on tuesday
s has fresh seafood.

what a crazy world we live in...
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 14:15:42 EST
Reply-To:     Anissa Holman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Anissa Holman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Fruit and Nuns (offensive to both)

    If a raisin is a dried grape
    And a prune is a dried plum
    What's a dried cherry?

    A Nun.

    Anissa  <[e-mail]>
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 13:07:56 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Elizabeth Bolyard <[e-mail]>
Subject:      help!!!

why am i recieving an index and not individual posts???...i don't know how to
read the indexes!!!...
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 13:22:29 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Death related humor

        A young man went to pick up his date at her apartment.  She was not
quite ready and suggested he play with her dog handing him a red rubber ball.
The dog was quite insistent that he play with it and begged each time he
brought the ball back.  The young man began tossing it to further corners of
the room to get a second or two extra peace from the insistent dog.
        He began trying to get the ball to go around the corner into the kitchen
then he tried  bouncing it into the area behind the couch.  This was going fine
and the dog seemed to like the extra challenge when the ball hit the corner
of a stool and bounced onto the balcony and over it.  The dog lept over the
rail after the ball... on a 12th floor apartment.
        The young man looked on in shock as his date came from her room, took
him by the arm and led him from the apartment making idle chatter about the
weather.  They were in the elevator by the time he could even think to say
anything.  He realized that he's allowed the moment to pass when he should have
told her what had happened to her dog.  Each second pushed it further away.
        He was distant during dinner, terribly distracted.  He hardly knew
what the play they were watching was about.  In the cab ride back, he was
momentarily in a state of panic but was able to control himself.  As she
put her keys into the lock, he turned to her and said, "You know, your dog
looked sort of depressed."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        Ed was devoted to his cat.  He had special cat toys, special foods,
special litter, everything a cat could require, Ed provided.  When he had,
absolutely HAD to go to San Francisco for a month and couldn't possibly take
Tabitha (the cat) with him, he called on his younger brother.  He got George
to agree to watch Tabitha, to brush her, to feed her, to change the litter at
the right intervals, and made him promise to spend time with Tabitha so that
she wouldn't get lonely.
        Ed took the plane to Frisco, certain that Tabitha was in good hands.
He called the first night to see how things were going.  "How's Tabitha?" he
asked George.
        "The Cat's dead!"  was George's only reply.
        Ed was in shock.  He hung up the phone without another word.  He was
in a daze at work for the next three days until he finally convinced himself
he had to call George again.  When George answered the phone, Ed gave him no
chance to say more than "Hello," when he began his speech.
        "George, you know what Tabitha meant to me.  You didn't have to be that
abrupt.  You could have broken it to me gently.  You could have said, "Tabitha
is up on the roof.  Don't worry.  We'll get her down."  Then you could have
told me that Tabitha was at the Vets but that he was confident she'd be ok.
Then the next time I called you could break it to me that she'd passed away.
Do you see what I mean?"
        "I guess so," George conceded, "I could have been gentler I guess."
        "Good.  I feel better getting that off my chest.  How's Mom?"
        "Mom's up on the roof," George confided.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 13:27:11 -0600
Reply-To:     Zak Daniel E <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Zak Daniel E <[e-mail]>
Subject:      remove

        >SIGNOFF HUMOR

yes, please take me off, thanks.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 13:31:36 -0600
Reply-To:     Zak Daniel E <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Zak Daniel E <[e-mail]>
Subject:      SIGNOFF HUMOR    please

PLEASE SIGN ME OFF YOUR LIST

thankyou
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 14:29:27 EST
Reply-To:     Lance Williams <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lance Williams <[e-mail]>
Subject:      crazy stores

How's this for a crazy combination for a store. One the outskirts of
Morehead, KY, there is a converted mechanic's garage with tires stacked
up inside the building, and small table out front with bibles sitting on
the table.
The name: Dehart's Bible and Tire Store.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 13:34:28 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mark Goehring <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Speed Test

Greetings one and all... First of all, I am tired of two things... People
trying to unsubscribe on the main list (imagine that) and everyone
complaining on the main list about people unsubscribing!  If you have a
complaint, write to the idiot who doesn't know what they are doing!

Ok, enough of the bitching... on with the humor!!  This test was actually
given to me in a Junior level college class.  To make it work right, (if
you give it to someone) preesure them and enforce the 3 minute rule!!

                               SPEED TEST

INSTRUCTIONS: You have three minutes in which to complete the following test.

1.  Read everything before doing anything.

2.  Put your name in the upper right-hand corner.

3.  Circle the work "name" in number 2.

4.  Draw five small squares in the upper left-hand corner.

5.  Put an "x" in each square mentioned in number 4.

6.  Put a circle around each square.

7.  Sign your name under the title of this page.

8.  After the title, write "yes, yes, yes"

9.  Put a circle around number 7.

10. Put an "x" in the lower left-hand corner of this page.

11. Draw a triangle around the "x".

12. In the space to the right, multiply 70 x 30.

13. Draw a circle around the word "paper" in number 4.

14.  Loudly call out your first name when you get to this point in the test.

15. If you think you have carefully followed directions, call out, "I have!"

16. On the immediate right side of this paper, add 107 and 278.

17. Put a circle around your answer to number 16.

18. Count aloud in your normal speaking voice from 1 to 20.

19. Punch three holes in the paper with your pencil point here   .  .  .

20. If you are the first person to get this far, call out loudly, "I am
    the leader in following the directions!"

21. Underline all the even numbers on the left-hand side of the paper.

22.  Now that you have finished reading directions carefully, do only
     sentences one and two.


You can imagine the fun people have (who read the directions) watching
the idiots go through the entire test following every direction!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 11:45:06 -0800
Reply-To:     "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      potpourri (offensive and in general bad taste)

There was some great humor yesterday that reminded me of a variety of jokes,
humorous incidences, and my reckless childhood.

1. Those actual signs reminded me of when I was in Wales.  One evening we
stopped inthis beautiful little Welsh village.After we unpacked, the ol'
family went on a walking tour of the village.  Outside one of the ancient
cemetaries was a sign that made me ponder.  The sign said:

No exorcising of dogs.   Apparently the church didn't want to be part
of the stray pet solution.

Another sign I frequently saw was: No entry except for access.

2.  Bubba Jackson certainly has been taking a lot of flack lately (that's
Michael Jackson) so I thought, HEY!! Why not take a cheap shot myself.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Jockey?

A Jockey has a license to ride a three year old

3.  Finally, and this is in really baaaaaad taste, those 2fer stores.

How about an abortion clinic and Pizza joint?
There slogan could be: Delivery in 30 minutes or it's free.  Or maybe,
Try our zesty homemade sauce.  Made fresh daily from the finest ingredients.

I told you it was in bad taste (No pun intended)

ciao fer now
mike
**Remember, if your not in bed by 10 o'clock.......go home**
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 11:52:31 -0800
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Martin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Joke (racist, offensive, and generally screwed up)

How many blacks does it take to eat an armadillo?



Two - one to eat and the other to watch for cars.


Rob
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 14:56:21 -0500
Reply-To:     CRAY <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         CRAY <[e-mail]>
Subject:      OFFENSIVE JOKES
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

DO YOU KNOW HAOW MANY TIMES 35 GOES INTO 14?










NEITHER DO I,  BUT YOU CAN ASK MICHEAL JACKSON






DID YOU HEAR THAT MICHEAL JACKSON IS DOING A REMAKE OF ONE OF ELTON
JOHN'S SONGS?




"DON'T LET YOUR SON GO DOWN ON ME"




I JUST THOUGHT I'D GET MY CORNY JOKE IN FOR THE DAY.  THIS LIST IS DUMB.....



crAY
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 14:34:01 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Allyn Lord <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      Two-fer businesses

Here's a real THREE-FER business a friend of mine saw someplace in
Colorado about 15 years ago.  It was a combination auto repair shop,
laundromat, and taxidermist, and the name was:

        BUFF IT, FLUFF IT, AND STUFF IT


        ----------
Allyn Lord
The University Museum
University of Arkansas
Fayetteville, AR

[e-mail] (Internet)
alord%saturn.uark.edu@uafsysb (Bitnet)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 12:50:18 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dale Schroyer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limericks, some naughty some nice

There was a young fellow named Willy
Who acted remarkably silly:
        At an All-Nations ball,
        Dressed in nothing at all,
He claimed that his costume was Chile.

Said a foolish householder of Wales,
"An odor of coal gas prevails,
        She then struck a light,
        And later that night,
Was collected in seventeen pails.

There's a notable family named Stein,
There's Gertrude, there's EP, and there's Ein,
        Gert's prose is the bunk,
        Ep's sculpture is junk,
And no one can understand Ein.

A lady removing her scanties,
Heard them crackle electrical chanties,
        Said her husband, "My Dear,
        I very much fear,
You suffer from amps in your panties."

Rosalina, a pretty young lass,
Had a truly magnificent ass:
        Not rounded and pink,
        As you possibly think,
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.

A pansy who lived in Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
        And they argued a lot,
        About who would do what,
And how and with which and to whom.

There once was a young girl named Jeanie,
Whose Dad was a terrible meanie,
        He fashioned a latch,
        and a hatch for her snatch,
She could only be had by Houdini.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 16:05:22 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Katy Sweeny <[e-mail]>
Subject:      lawyer jokes

Q  Why does California have so many lawyers and NJ have so much toxic waste?
A  NJ got the first pick.

(old, I know, but one of my favorites since many of my friends are from NJ)

Katy :)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 16:27:47 EDT
Reply-To:     Jonathan Vincent Ngo <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jonathan Vincent Ngo <[e-mail]>
Organization: Faculty of Engineering, U.W.O.
Subject:      Stolen techy joke #1

    Here's something from the HP 48 BBS:
----------

After the animals left the Ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
A few days later, he noticed the snakes had not been successful.
The snakes explained it was difficult because of the mud.
Noah gathered some logs and built a table.  A few days later, he
noticed there were eggs on the table.  This proves that even
two adders can multiply on a log table.

----------
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 16:28:23 EDT
Reply-To:     Jonathan Vincent Ngo <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jonathan Vincent Ngo <[e-mail]>
Organization: Faculty of Engineering, U.W.O.
Subject:      Stolen techy joke #2

     Here's something that was on the USENET newsgroup rec.humor:

----------
From: [e-mail] (Robert S. Posey 575-6627 msgid 3EVT)
Subject: Re: A New Idea
Nntp-Posting-Host: adr04.dseg.ti.com
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Organization: Texas Instrument, Inc.
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 1993 23:31:46 GMT
Lines: 36

In article [e-mail], [e-mail] (Richard Masoner) writes:
>In article <2dnlau$[e-mail]> [e-mail] writes:
>>In article <2dlvl5$[e-mail]>, [e-mail] (Duke P. Hong)
 writes:
>>|> In article <[e-mail]>,
>>|> Franz <[e-mail]> wrote:
>>|> >Why, when I was a boy, 64K was a lot of memory!  In those days we didn't h
ave
>>|> >any new-fangled CD-ROMs!  No, siree!  We had to load our games from TAPE!
>>|> >It took 15 MINUTES to load games back then, and we were GLAD TO HAVE IT!"
>>|> >
>>|> >Michael Franz
>>|>
>>|> TAPE!  Hell, when I was a kid, I wrote my program down on paper and
>>|> retyped it in every time I wanted to play it! Boy, you young-uns
>      ^^^^^
>>|> sure do have it cushy!!
>>
>>Paper?  You had Paper!?  Wow.  Now that woulda saved me alot of time.
>
>And you were able to *type* it all in?  In my day, I machine coded
>programs and entered them through front panel switches.  And I LIKED
>it! (I also walked 5 miles to school through 2 feet of snow uphill
>both ways.  And I LIKED it.)

You have front panel switches what a spoiled brat, We had to re wire the RTL
circuitry each time.  We also had to crawl, only adults got to walk, 20 miles
straight up, both ways of course, in a full gale-force ice storm.

>--
>Richard F. Masoner                     | Seen on a magazine cover:
>Central Data Corporation               |
>1602 Newton Dr., Champaign, IL 61821   | "Guns don't kill people,
>[phone] x251                    |  television does."
----------

     I hoped you liked that.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 17:03:40 EST
Reply-To:     "Michael S. McCord" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Michael S. McCord" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexual

                                                        Snake in the Grass

    Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather
curious.  He has been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the
older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.  One day
he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.  Instead
of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains
one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.  That he did!  the
following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

    Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights.  then he started to kiss and hug her.  I figured Sis
must have been getting sick, because her face started looking funny.  He
must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the doctor would.  He wasn't as smart as the doctor
because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

    I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them
started panting and getting all out of breath.  His other hand must have
been cold, because he put it under her skirt.  About this time, Sis got worse
and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down to the other end
of the couch.  This is when the fever started.  I knew it was a fever because
Sis told him she felt really hot.

    Finally I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow.  It just jumped out of his pants and stood
there, about ten inches long....I swear!  When Sis saw it she got scared....
her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God
and stuff like that.  She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen.  I
should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

    Anyways, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's
head off.  All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go.  I guess
it bit her back.  Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight
while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head
to keep it from biting again.  Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could
get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel.

    The eel put up a hell of a fight.  Sis started groaning and squealing
and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.  I guess they wanted to kill the
eel by squashing it between them.  After awhile they both quit moving and
gave
a great sigh.  I knew it was dead because it just hung there, limp and some
of its insides were hanging out.

    Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they
went back to courting anyway.  He started hugging and kissing her again.  By
golly the eel wasn't dead.  It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives.  This time Sis jumped
up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.  After thirty-five minutes
of struggling, they finally killed the eel.  I knew it was dead for sure this
time because I saw Sis' boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the
toilet!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 17:05:52 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Chris Sidi <[e-mail]>

SUBSCRIBE HUMOR











:)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 17:14:27 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Groundhog Day

GROUNDHOG DAY IS NIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, indeed, February 2nd is Groundhog Day, one holiday that
several of you have not been taking seriously enough.

Astronomically, Groundhog Day puts us midway between the Winter
Solstice and the Vernal Equinox, deep in the heart of (brr)
Winter.

Economically, if we were living in medieval Scotland, one-fourth
of our yearly rents would be due on February 2nd.  What this says
to those of us who are middle-aged and tend to surround scotch
(as opposed to being in the Middle Ages and surrounded by
Scotsmen) I am not entirely sure.

Theologically, at least in the Roman Catholic tradition, February
2nd is Candlemas Day.  The end of the Christmas season.

But, of course you all know that the true import of Groundhog Day
is meteorological.  If Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his burrow
on Gobbler's Nob on February 2nd and does not see his shadow,
spring is just around the corner.  On the other hand, if Phil
sees his shadow, he will be scared back into his burrow and
spring will take 6 weeks to get here.

What is less well known about Groundhog Day is the Even Year
Conditional: If Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his burrow wearing
lipstick then the upcoming National Elections will focus on
issues, a National League Baseball team will raise its hemline
and the stock market will behave as predicted.

All offices will be closed on February 2nd in observance of
Groundhog Day.  I'll be looking for you all on Gobbler's Nob.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 14:30:10 -0800
Reply-To:     Larry Richards <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Larry Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean - may offend christians and ground hogs

A christian school wanted to offer scholarships to students from other
countries but the applicants needed to know something about U.S. and of course
Christianity.  So each applicant was asked a question to see if they qualified.

The first applicant was asked about Christmas.
"Oh Christmas", the applicant said. "That's the day Americans celebrate
surviving the first winter in America and have a turkey and.."

"No, no!!" the interviewers said.  "Next applicant please."

"Tell us about Thanksgiving" the panel said to the next applicant.

"Thanksgiving is when a man in a red suit delivers gifts to children.."

"No, no", the panel said.  "Send in the last applicant."

"What do you know about Easter?" the panel asked.

"Easter is when Jesus was crucified."  The panel starts nodding their heads.
"He dies and is buried in a cave."  The panel is gettin more excited now.  "It
is sealed with a big rock."  The panel is really excited now.  They finally
have a hot prospect.  "On the third day the rock rolls aside and Jesus comes
out.  And if he sees his shadow, there is six more weeks of winter"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 19:02:27 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Gerald Lack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Monty Python

Is there an FTP site that has scripts, .wav files, or other funny Monty
Python stuff? If so, what is the address? Thanks.

[e-mail]

True Story:
I was recently told by a friend of mine, who just so happened to be the
inventor and distributor of the Ginsu Knife (tm) that he is seriously
considering a name change for the knife in his infomercials. Of course, it
would be called the Lorena Bobbitt Slicer and Dicer. It can cut through a
man's penis with no trouble and then cut a ripe tomato in half!

If anyone believes this is true, I know a bridge in New York that's for
sale....
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 19:23:28 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Katy Sweeny <[e-mail]>
Subject:      corny jokes- beware!

A polish guy won 2 gold medals in the olympics, and was SO proud of them, that
when he got home, he had them bronzed.

An indian chief was married to three squaws, each of them pregnant.
He wanted to get each of them a hide to give birth on, so he went hunting.

He loved the 1st squaw, but she wasn't his "favorite," so he got her an ordinarybear hide.

He loved the second squaw a bit more, so got her a buffalo hide.

The third squaw was his favorite, though, so he went searching and got her a
rare hippopotomaus hide.

All of the squaws gave birth about the same time.
The 1st squaw had one healthy baby boy.
The 2nd squaw also had one healthy baby boy.
The 3rd squaw though, had not one, but TWO healthy baby boys.

the moral of the story?

The squa{ on the hippopotomaus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other
two hides.

(say it out loud if you don't get it)


how did the polack almost kill himself raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.

(sorry, didn't mean to pick on polish so much... my apologies if I offended
anyone)

Katy :)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 17:55:18 -0700
Reply-To:     "e. kirk willard" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "e. kirk willard" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Real Live Newspaper Headlines

> Real Live Newspaper Headlines
>  ------------------------------
>
> POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
>
> SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
>
> DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
>
> SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
>
> FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
>
> IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
>
> IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
>
> STUD TIRES OUT
>
> PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
>
> PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
>
> SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
>
> BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
>
> LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
>
> EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
>
> TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
>
> SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
>
> SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
>
> ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
>
> PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
>
> MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
>
> JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
>
> STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
>
> TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
>
> 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
>
> KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
>
> NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE
>
> DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN '84
>
> WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
>
> IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
>
> COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
>
> ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN;  POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE



*wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!* Some peoples is SO CWAZY!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 19:53:26 EST
Reply-To:     Offel Kevin CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Offel Kevin CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      male chauvinistic (possibly offensive to women)

 1)  how many women does it take to change a light bulb?

  -->who cares? let the bitch cook in the dark!


 2) why did the female cross the road?
  -->who gives a fuck, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 22:51:34 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David Bates <[e-mail]>
Subject:      may be offensive to blacks

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.  He sits down
and calls for the bartender.  The bartender comes over and says,
"Hey man, where'd ya git that?"

The parrot looks at the bartender and says "AFRICA!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 23:20:48 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Benjamin Braddock <[e-mail]>
Subject:      political joke...may be offensive to feminists

        Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton walk into an elevator together.
Rush looks over at Hillary, likes what he sees and gives her a wink.
Hillary looks back at Rush and winks back at him.  Rush, sensing the
moment takes off his tie and jacket.  Hillary,  starting to feel warm in the
elevator removes her blouse.  Rush then removes his pants and tosses them
aside.  Hillary, breathing heavily, removes her skirt and high heels.and
She beckons Rush to come closer and sensuously whispers in his ear,
"Oh, Rush!!  Make me feel like a woman!"

Rush then reaches down, picks up his clothes, balls them up and throws them
at her and says "FOLD THEM!"

:^)=
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 21:28:00 MST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         John Hirschi <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBE John Hirschi

UNSUBSCRIBE John Hirschi
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 1 Feb 1994 22:37:33 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Various clean jokes

----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between the United States and Eastern Eupropean
countries?

The United States still has a communist party.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's no Truth in the News and no News in the Truth.

Pravda = Truth, and Isvestia = News.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From the New York Times, 11/7/89:

Q. Do you know what prizes the communists are now offering for
recruiting new party members?

A. If you get one new member, you don't pay dues. Two new members, you
can quit the party. And for three, you get a certificate saying you
were never a member.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was driving through the country, and there were some cows by the side
of the road. We're all mature adults, so we've all done this: I leaned
my head out of the car window, and yelled, "Moooooooooo."  Like we
expect that cow to be thinking, "Hey, there's a cow driving that car!
How can he afford that?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
"What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each
other on the same track?"
Andy says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,"and I'd use the manual
        lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next
        signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy,"I'd rush down out of the box and use
        the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hind's Law #6:
Make it possible to write programs in English and you will quickly discover
that programmers do not know how to write in English.

Steinbach's Rule:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 01:25:26 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      language (offensive language)

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From: Nico van der Vyver
Subject: language (offensive language)


...heard about the woman who went to a fancy dress ball totally in the
nude, all the while tapping the top of her head with her right hand?
when asked what she represents, she said, "A self-tapping screw, for sure"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

...the difference between a trapeze artist and a good looking prostitute?

the one has a cunning stunt......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

what do you get when a stranger kisses your ear?

hearing aids

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

if you kiss a bird you could contract chirpies, a canarial disease that's
untweetable!

==========================================================================
______________________________________________________________________




AFTER THE ABOVE, I HAVE A SERIOUS REQUEST FOR HELP.

THERE IS A RHYME WICH CONTAINS QUITE A FEW VERSES AND THE CHORUS PART
GOES LIKE THIS :


"I am not a pheasant plucker,
 I am a pheasant plucker's son.
 And the season isn't over,
 Till the pheasant plucking's done"


Can be put to good use at parties when all are asked to repeat
together as fast as possible!   Obviously the words could come out
somewhat different after they have all had a few drinks!

Is there anybody who recall any or all of the other verses.
I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD COPY ME.
Probably all humor subscribers would appreciate them, so go for the
general list.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead)


n
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 13:19:00 GMT+0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sex based joke plus dogs' names

Below is a story heavily into sex, but first

In response to the joke about the dog called Stay - imagine what
it would be like to have two dogs: one called Stay and the other
called Go.

Come Stay! Sit Go! Stay go! Go stay!

Then when they produce puppies you could call them Sit, Beg,
Down.

---------------------

A man and woman had been married a long time and life had gotten
into the traditional rut. Harry came home after work each night,
put on his slippers, took a 6-pack out of the fridge, sat down
and watched TV eating his dinner off a tray, going to bed at
11pm, putting on his pyjamas and going straight to sleep. Harry
hardly said a word to Ethel, his wife. Now Ethel was undergoing a
rearrangement of hormones and was getting terrible sexual urges,
which were being ignored by her apathetic Harry. She tried
whispering naughty suggestions into his ear, but to no avail.
Dressing in revealing, sexy negligees to greet him on his return
from work failed to change his nightly routine of sitting down to
watch TV. In bed all attempts to make his impressive penis rise
from out of his pyjama bottoms failed - it, like Harry, just lay
there fat and flacid.

Finally, totally frustrated Ethel packed her bags one day and set
off whilst her husband was at work to seek peace and inner
tranquility through travel. One day she was walking through a
village in India when she saw a crowd gathering. Pushing herself
through she found a fakir (holy man) with a long piece of rope.
THe fakir took a small bag from off his belt and from it took a
pinch of silvery dust, which he then sprinkled on the rope coiled
on the ground. Instantly the rope began to uncoil by itself and
to rise straight up in the air until it hung there rigid like a
pole. THe fakir then proceeded to climb up the rope, which
remained rigid. Ethel was most impressed and immediately thought
that this dust was just the answer to her problems with getting
satisfaction from Harry. Ethel took the opportunity whilst the
fakir was up the rope to steal the bag of dust which had been
left on the ground.

Arriving back home in the evening Ethel found Harry sat in front
of the TV drinking beer as usual. Harry's only response to
Ethel's appearance after being absent for months was to ask for
his dinner. At 11pm Harry duly went upstairs, put his pyjamas on,
climbed into bed and went to sleep. Ethel undressed and climbed
into bed also. Carefully pushing the covers back she took the bag
of powder, took out a large pinch of the dust, sprinkled it
generously over Harry's torso, pulled the covers back, and
waited. To Ethel's delight the bed covers over Harry almost
immediately began to rise above Harry's torso. By the time the
covers had raised 2 feet Ethel was wet with anticipation, but the
covers continued to rise. Ethel almost swooned when the covers
rose to over 3 feet above Harry. Unable to control herself any
longer Ethel ripped off her negligee, screamed "Yes! Yes! Now!
Now!" Threw the covers off the bed and found the fastening cord
from Harry's pyjama trousers stood up rigid above Harry.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 11:05:59 GMT
Reply-To:     Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      job fits abandoned convent name!

Although we got off abandoned convents and job-names a while ago
I thought you'd appreciate this:

The people who run a doctor's surgery in Bromyard, Herefordshire,
wanted to name the surgery with local connotations. Why not use
the name of an ancient priory that used to stand on the other
side of the street, they thought. This they did, and a sign now
stands outside the building proclaiming "Nunwell Surgery".


<Acknowledgements to 'Feedback'>
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 08:13:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Clean but very corny

>9. The new DC-90 is over 1000 feet in length, a length which far
>exceeds that of any other aircraft. What do you call this
>situation?
>
>A long plane record.

ok, what's a 'piper cub' pizza?
(page down)









a small plain!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 08:43:10 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Clarity Hands <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clinton joke   political!

What was President Clinton's biggest mistake about Whitewater?
He didn't hire Oliver North as his aid de camp for shredding documents.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 09:40:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: may be offensive to blacks (a variation)

>A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.  He sits down
>and calls for the bartender.  The bartender comes over and says,
>"Hey man, where'd ya git that?"
>
>The parrot looks at the bartender and says "AFRICA!"

I haven't heard that variation.  Here's the way I heard it:
(Obviously I just lightly edited the above version.)

A man walks into a bar with a parrot growing out of his head.  He sits down
and calls for the bartender.  The bartender comes over and says,
"Hey man, what's up with that funny growth?"

The parrot looks at the bartender and says "Well, it started out as
a bump on my ass!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 09:56:47 EST
Reply-To:     Paul Worth <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Worth <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: A Fine Sign

We have here in Valdosta, Georgia:

Pro-Tan/Pro-Kill

Tanning salon and exterminator in the same building.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul Worth - Network Coordinator        [e-mail]
Academic Computing Services             phone: [phone] (fax: 7408)
Valdosta State University               Valdosta, Georgia  31698 (USA)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 10:01:25 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR: PC Lexicon (part 3 of 3) and note about the series

"Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"

- - -  ACADEMIC / CURRICULUM <-

Far East                        -   Asia
Censorship                      -   Selective Speech
B.C.                            -   B.C.E.
Older Students                  -   Non-Traditional
                                    New-Traditional
Learning Disability             -   Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Cheating                        -   Academic Dishonesty
Library                         -   Educational Resource Center
Used Books                      -   Recycled Books
Dorm                            -   Residence Hall
Berkeley                        -   Mecca

- - -  MISCELLANEOUS  <-
Broken Home                     -   Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken                     -   Family Disfunction
Mercy Killing                   -   Euthanasia
                                    Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery
Insult                          -   Emotional Rape
Cattle Ranch                    -   Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
                                    "Moo-shwitz"
Senile Bag o' Bones             -   Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio                   -   (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
                                    Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger                       -   Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger                    -   Adding Insult to Injury
Trees                           -   Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang                            -   Youth Group
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider          -  Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Drunk/Trashed                   -   Spatially Perplexed
Slum                            -   (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
China                           -   Porcelain
Delicatessen                    -   Corpse Farm
                                    Charnel House

SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs)
- - ----------------------------------
These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe
people.  Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing
(and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children.

DO NOT USE THESE WORDS. (except when telling other people not to use them)

IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND
IMMEDIATELY:

"Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad,
Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head,
Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie,Honky,
Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi,
Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie,
Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Wetback, Whore,
White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable"

READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
IT BETTER HAVE.

THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS.  PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES
TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
- - -------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1992 - FRIEDMAN/HALADYNA - All Rights Reserved
- - -------------------------------------------------------
I have received three requests for the entire series of PC Primer and Lexicon.
I regret I cannot accommondate these requests as I erased them after I posted
each (so I wouldn't post them twice). I found this material in a forgotten
usenet newsgroup last year, so I cannot refer you to an orginal source. You
can download all seven of these PC articles (4 PC Primers and 3 PC Lexicons)
by requesting logs from Humor's archive. Send the following commands to the
[e-mail]
(no subject needed)
GET HUMOR LOG00054
GET HUMOR LOG00055
GET HUMOR LOG00056
GET HUMOR LOG00057
This article will be posted in the NOTEBOOK (notebook is what the current log
is always called; once the current notebook collects 3000 lines of our mail,
it will turn into LOG00058 which will include this articles). The reason I
know is because I have my HUMOR mail set to NOMAIL and I read HUMOR by
downloading the logs.

I appreciated the five notes I received about this series. Even the one person
who disagreed with the theme of the humor was polite. Imagine people being
polite about political humor.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 10:30:21 EST
Reply-To:     BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Family humor (clean; I'm leaving the dirty stuff out)

Today is my father's birthday. (Really.) He is an avid golfer. The family
joke has always been that if he goes out on his birthday and plays nine holes,
then spring will come early. If he goes out, then turns around and comes
back 'cause it's too cold, then we are destined for six more weeks of winter.
(When we lived in upstate New York he sometimes would go out to play even
in the snow, using a fluorescent red golf ball.)

More Woodell family humor: My grandfather called lox "walrus meat." That
name used to scare my little brother! But to this day we all refer to
lox as walrus meat.

My grandfather was a pretty good-looking guy even in his dotage. He used to
fuss with his hair a lot (never really went bald) and brag about his "young
skin." It didn't matter how much of an old fart you were in other respects,
as long as you had your young skin life was going to be all right for you.
To demonstrate, he'd pick up the skin on his knuckles and say, "See! It
bounces right back. Young skin!" (At this point my father walked in and
didn't know what we were talking about, but he immediately, quizzically
tested his knuckle skin. Sadly, it did not pop back.) Well, once my
grandparents were on an elevator in a Las Vegas resort with two other
alta cockers (Yiddish for old fart), total strangers, and these men started
talking about young skin, testing their knuckles etc. My grandma and grandpa
had to bite their tongues to keep from bursting out loud laughing! "Oy, I
thought my underpants would never dry," my grandma said later.

My uncle used to be a great storyteller. Once he gathered his two kids and
my brother and me to tell us a story about Charlie the Flea. Now, one
day Charlie was on the bottom of the ocean talking to Willy the whale when...
and I (I was 7 at the time) piped up and said, "How can Charlie be on the
bottom of the ocean? He needs oxygen, otherwise he'd drown!" The other kids
said, hey yeah, that's right. Boy did that put the kibosh on my uncle's
story!

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
"Man...a creature made at the end of the work week when God was tired."
       --Mark Twain
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 11:39:30 -0500
Reply-To:     Hugh Tucker <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Hugh Tucker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to pachyderms

Why do elephants paint their testicals red?
So they can hide amongst the cherry trees.

What is the loudest sound in the jungle?



Gazelles eating cherries.

--H. Tucker,  Boston University
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 11:27:01 -0600
Reply-To:     Robert James <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert James <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Jokes - all ratings

1. Rated G

        Colleges should enforce academic standards for athletes. If an
athlete earns a letter, he should be able to spell it.



2. Rated PG

        Last week there was a burglary at the police station and all the
toilet seats were stolen. They're having a tough time solving this one
because the cops don't have a thing to go on.



3. Rated PG-13

        A woman complains to the golf attendant about an accident on the
golf course. "I was hit by a golf ball out there." "Where?" asked the man.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied. "Oh, thats easy," he
replied, "your stance is too wide."



4. Rated R

        The doctor just delivered a baby boy that was born without an
eyelid. the doctor said "when we circumsize him, we'll use the foreskin
for an eyelid." the operation was a success but the doctor is a little
concerned the baby may be cock-eyed.



5. Rated X

        Did you hear about the call-girl who made two appointments for the
same time? She was able to squeeze them both in.

                              (insert laughs here)


                                BJ in Beer Town
                        Bob James, Milwaukee, employed at
                          Medical College of Wisconsin
                             [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 12:49:00 EST
Reply-To:     "HIPPO.ROBERT" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "HIPPO.ROBERT" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bear Hunting Joke (Language)

Upon arrival at their hunting, a group of hunters discover that there is an
enormous bear sitting on the roof of the cabin. Not wanting to wait to see if
the bear will leave on its own, the hunters race into the cabin, phone the
game commission, and ask them to send someone out to remove the bear.

A few hours pass before a truck pulls up from the game commission. A man steps
from the truck a looks over the situation. He then gets in the back of his
truck and returns with his equipment which consists of a ladder, a baseball
bat, a shotgun and a dog.

The man from the game commission approaches the hunters and hands one man the
shotgun, tells the dog to sit next to the cabin and sets the ladder up against
the cabin. Couriosity got the best of the hunter holding the shotgun and he
asked the man, "How are you going to trap a bear using a ladder, a baseball
bat and a dog?"

The man from the GC replied, "I'm using the ladder to climb on the roof. When
I get to the roof the bear will charge me and I'll knock him off of the roof
with the baseball bat. And this dog is a specially trained hunting dog that
knows that when something falls from the sky, he is supposed to attack it by
 the testicles, and drag the poor SOB into the cage in the back of my truck."

Still curious, the hunter with the shotgun asks, "Then why am I holding this
shotgun."

The man replied, "That's in case the bear knocks me off of the roof
first...you better shoot that god-damned dog fast."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 11:07:09 CST
Reply-To:     Bret Robideaux <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bret Robideaux <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR: PC lexicon (part 3 of 3)

>READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
>IT BETTER HAVE.

Just wondering....what if it happened to the be words on the RIGHT hand
side of the columns that filled me with 'revulsion'?


- I know that I will never be politically correct -
- I don't give a damn about my lack of ettiquette -
                               Meat Loaf
                               _Everything Louder Than Everything Else_


Bret
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:10:43 -0500
Reply-To:     "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      500 channel cable television?

***************************************************************************
* Amy L. Ward                       *                                     *
* Career Center                     *  Eagles fly, but weasels don't      *
* The George Washington University  *  get sucked into jet engines.       *
* [e-mail]            *                                     *
***************************************************************************

> Here's that piece from Harpers I told you about, the one about options for
> the 500 channel universe:
>
> (From a conversation held during October and November on the Well,
> a computer conferencing system located in Sausalito, California.
> Members of the Well,
> identified below by their user I.D.'s, or computer "handles," were asked
> for suggestions to "fill the first 500 channels of broadcast, high-bandwidth,
> interactive" television.)
>
> KADREY: The Airport Luggage Inspection Channel.  Direct video
> feeds from baggage X rays around the world.
>
> MARK: The Patty Duke Channel, with archival footage of her wedding to John
> Astin shown in between episodes.
>
> TIGOE: The Laundry Channel.  Twenty-four hours of the window of an
> industrial washing machine.
>
> SPIROS: A channel of just feet--toes, ankles, heels, and maybe, in flashes
> of sluttiness, calves.
>
> LUDLOW: A twenty-four-hour White House channel.  Enough with
> the odd press briefing and Rose Garden chat; I want to see who's
> walking the halls.  I want to see them shampoo the carpets at 4:00 a.m.
>  I want the see the chef fixing a state dinner.  I want an interview
> with the guy or gal who mows the lawn.
> I want to know what kind of homework Chelsea has today.
> (Socks' kitty box? JBP)
>
> MEDIAK: The Supermarket-Aisle Channel.  Long tracking shots of carefully
> stocked cans of potted meat.  _What's New in Vienna Cocktail Franks_.
> Interviews with stock clerks.  _Box Cutting_: "How not to Slice the Cereal
> Boxes Open."  _Checkers Corner_: "What the Item Cutoff in the Express Line?"
>
> JEROD23: The All-Rejects Channel.  Nothing but TV series that
> lasted less than one full season.
>
> RBR: CNN Minus 365.  Last year's complete CNN feed.
>
> TIGOE: The Just-Like-Me Channel.  Twenty-four hours of people on sofas,
> remote control in hand, watching TV.
>
> YUPA: Channel Destructo.  Twenty-four hours of very big things being blown
> apart, crashing into rivers, or being shot at with large weapons.
>
> BRUCES: A "channel-surfing channel" that will show me whatever it is that
> various celebrities are watching at that moment.
>
> CLIFFU: A channel that shows nothing but soaring buzzards, with shots from
> the buzzards' point of view.
>
> BRUCES: The All-Graveyard Channel.
>
> SMORSE: The Airport Channel.  Prolonged views of active takeoff and landing
> runways.  If there's a crash, you'll be the first to see it.  Specials:
> _Congested Taxiways at LAX_.  _Out of the Fog at SFO_.  _The
> Nosewheel Camera Hour_.
>
> MCVICAR: The Counter Channel.  Every time another view flips to it, a big
> counter increases by one.  Sometimes everyone would tune in just to
> watch the numbers tally really fast.
>
> SMORSE: The Endoscopic Surgery Channel.  Coronary arteries.  Urethras.
> The brain stem.  They can see it; why not you?
>
> BRUCES: Abyssal Submarine TV, live from the depths of the Marianas
> Trench. Sunday's feature: twenty-four soothing hours of the
>  sulfur-sucking tubeworms of the East Pacific Rise.
> *****
>
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:40:50 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Rich Elkins <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Sexist Joke (offensive to women

I heard this one the same time as the "Why did the woman cross the road?
What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?" joke.

Q:  During sex, what is the best way to bring a woman to orgasm?

A:  Who cares if she has an orgasm.

Rich

RICH ELKINS   SENIOR-GEOGRAPHY, MINOR-INTERNATIONAL STUDIES
346 GARRETT HALL, EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY (ECU)
GREENVILLE, NC 27858   [phone]
BITNET: GEELKINS@ECUVM1   INTERNET: [e-mail]
VAX: [e-mail]  (FOR INTERACTIVE STUFF)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 11:45:46 -0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another True Headline

The Louisville Courier Journal (a *real* newspaper, not a tabloid) had a headline
in the spring of '86 in the Lifestyles/Health/Hobbies section that caught my eye:

             BUTT ROT INCURABLE, BUT AERATION MAY HELP

It turns out the article was about a root disease in *plants* (rhododendrons, I
think).  True story!



________________________________________________________________________________

            Dr. Dave                    [e-mail]

"If can keep your head while everyone else is losing their's, you probably don't
have a good grasp of the situation."

________________________________________________________________________________
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:49:08 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was SMITH4_DEAN@BENTLEY
From:         Dean Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      questions that have no answers

This is my first posting, I am not sure if I have done this properly.  Would
someone reply and let me know if this message is sent to the list.  thanks

Here are some questions which have no answers.

Do you think that illiterates get the full effect of alphabet soup?

What happens if you wear an 18-hour bra for 20 hours?

Is it really necessary to frisk a naked suspect?

Why is there an experation date on sour cream?  ( does it become fresh??)

How come if a sheep gets wet, he does not skrink?  (if you are wearing a wool
sweater and it rains, the sweater will shrink up to a dickie.)

"I went to a general store, and wanted something specific."  Stephen Wright
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 15:01:56 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mike Ogilvie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Scary story!!!!  :}

Did anyone ever think that the people who are sending the illegal
unsubscribe messages are not used to the volume of mail and so are
not reading ANY of it, including that which flames them and tells
them how to legally sign off?  Just a thought.  (I'm sympathetic to
those who are ignorant)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

  These two Boy Scouts were traveling through the woods when they came
upon a scary looking house.  Wearily, they went inside to get out of
the cold.  The hallway was very long and narrow with lots of cobwebs
and dust.  The door at the very end of the hall had a little light
peeking out from under the crack.  Very slowly, they crept to the end
of the hall, clinging to one another.  When they were finally there,
they flung the door open.  The room was empty except for a coffin at
the far wall and lots of lit candles all along the edges of the floor.
They could do nothing but stand and stare.  Just then, the coffin
moved!  It began to move a little more...... it jumped towards them.
the older Boy Scout, being prepared and all, took out his pocketknife
and threw it at the coffin.  Thunk!  It stuck, but the coffin moved
even quicker.  Then, the older Boy Scout took his canteen and flung it
with all his might at the coffin.  But it just bounced off.  In a
final attempt, he threw the flashlight at the coffin, but it just
broke into a million pieces.  Now the coffin was coming at them at
a frightening pace.  The smaller Boy Scout was scared shitless.  He
threw the only thing he had with him at the coffin: a pack of Halls
he had brought for his sore throat.  Miraculously, the coffin stopped
and never moved another inch.

The Morale of the story?...  Halls stops the coffin.

                                      -Mike Ogilvie
                                       James Madison University
                                       [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 15:05:35 EST
Reply-To:     Peter Pezaris 896-6169 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Peter Pezaris 896-6169 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: UNSUBSCRIBE Peter Pezaris
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

UNSUBSCRIBE Peter Pezaris
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 13:47:41 -40962758
Reply-To:     Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Stephen Wright

 People seem to quoting a lot so here's a few more:

I have a large seashell collection that I keep scattered on the beaches
all over the world...maybe you've seen it.

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  I had to buy them
again.

I bought some instant water, but I didn't know what to add.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:48:15 -0600
Reply-To:     GARY MICHAEL CHAD STARNES <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         GARY MICHAEL CHAD STARNES <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to people from East Tennessee

 Q:  How did the man know his daughter was a virgin?



 A:  She could out run her brother.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 15:59:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A feminist alters her views

[From Gene Spafford's Yucks digest]

The time has come, Wolf says, to return feminism to the mainstream,
to strip away its man-hating connotations, to expand it to include
women who may differ on some issues -- say, abortion rights -- but
who agree that women must fight for a fair share of political and
financial power.

Femininism has faltered, Wolf argues, because it has become en-
crusted in academic jargon and poisoned by "the rhetoric of the
penis as a weapon."

"This is very alienating when you go home at night and the penis
is your friend," she says.

                        Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich
                        interviewing Naomi Wolf about her new
                        book, "Fire with Fire: the New Female
                        Power and How It Will Change the 21st
                        Century."  December 15, 1993
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:06:54 -0700
Reply-To:     Ethan Wellman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ethan Wellman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBE

UNSCRIBE [e-mail]
PLEEEEZZEE!!
Thank You

        -EpW!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 14:50:31 -0700
Reply-To:     "e. kirk willard" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "e. kirk willard" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      two fun (sick, offensive, & probably misogynistic) jokes...

OK, try these two on for size:

Q. why did the pervert cross the road?

A. because his dick was stuck in the chicken.


Q. how many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. two: one to screw it in, and one to SUCK MY DICK!!

(sorry... I just couldn't help myself.)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 17:09:53 -0500
Reply-To:     Jascha Franklin-Hodge <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jascha Franklin-Hodge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Twinkie Science

                TWINKIE FAILURE TESTING
                -----------------------

        In an effort to clarify questions about the purported
durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we
subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

EXPOSURE:
         A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during
which time an inch and a half of rain fell.  Many flies were observed
crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis,
birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.
        Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie
retained its original color and form.  When removed, the Twinkie
was found to be substantially dehydrated.  Cracked open, it was observed
to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the
filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess."

RADIATION:
        A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which
was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of
bacon.  After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich,
characteristic aroma of artificial butter.  After 1 minute, this
aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber.  The experiment
was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began
billowing from the top of the oven.  A second Twinkie was subjected
to the same experiment.  This Twinkie leaked molten white filling.
When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its
plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of a
butter knife.

EXTREME FORCE:
        A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of
approximately 120 feet.  It landed right side up, then bounced
onto its back.  The expected "splatter" effect was not observed.  Indeed,
the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on
its underside.  Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.

EXTREME COLD:
        A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours.
Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its
physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found
to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the
mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface.  It
was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.

EXTREME HEAT:
        A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes.  While
the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream
holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire.  It did, however,
produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation
experiment.

IMMERSION:
        A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap
water.  The Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and
viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting
of a water-soluble artificial coloring.  After 2 hours, the Twinkie had
bloated substantially.  Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in
contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it.  The
Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72
hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent
of its original size, the water had turned opaque, and a small,
fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes."
        Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further
analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie
disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour
odor was noted.

SUMMARY OF RESULTS
        The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with
some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and
artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would
unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food."  Further clinical
inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
-----------------------------------------
     */--------------------------------------\*
      | Jascha Franklin-Hodge a.k.a Joeshmoe |
      | E-MAIL:                              |
      |     [e-mail] (best) |
      |     [e-mail]           |
      |     [e-mail]        |
     *\--------------------------------------/*
      *+*+ Bullshit makes the flowers grow +*+*
*+*+ Programming is an art form that fights back +*+*

--> The opinions expressed here-in are solely those
        of the scientists who created me <--
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 17:23:03 -0500
Reply-To:     Jascha Franklin-Hodge <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jascha Franklin-Hodge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      List of Taglines and License plates

Any one wishing to recieve the semi-canonical list of Taglines or the list of
License plates, should E-MAIL me at [e-mail]

OB Joke:
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?




One has paws at the end of its paws,; the other has a pause at the end of its
clause

     */--------------------------------------\*
      | Jascha Franklin-Hodge a.k.a Joeshmoe |
      | E-MAIL:                              |
      |     [e-mail] (best) |
      |     [e-mail]           |
      |     [e-mail]        |
     *\--------------------------------------/*
      *+*+ Bullshit makes the flowers grow +*+*
*+*+ Programming is an art form that fights back +*+*

--> The opinions expressed here-in are solely those
        of the scientists who created me <--
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 19:42:59 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Stan Planton <[e-mail]>

RE: Religious humor, may offend Christians

(an old joke)
A little boy was being quizzed in his Sunday School class about the crucifixion
of Christ and was telling the story:

"...and then they crucified Him and when he was dead, they took his body down
from the cross and washed it and wrapped it in a shroud and took it to a cave..
"
(the teacher nods approval)

"...and they rolled a HUGE stone across the entrance of the cave."

(teacher again approves)

"...and when the Disciples came back later, Jesus rolled the rock back, came
out of the cave, saw his shadow, and they had six more weeks of winter!"

Stan Planton
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 18:36:22 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 1/31/94

---> January 31, 1994 <---

=============================================================
Top Ten Things Buffalo Bills Coach Marv Levy Said At Halftime
=============================================================

10. "We won!  Wooo!  We're Super Bowl champs!"
 9. "Boy, I'm sleepy.  You guys sleepy?"
 8. "We've got a long trip home after the game, so I don't want anyone wearing
    themselves out"
 7. "Now get out there and rest on your laurels!"
 6. "Hey, Kelly.  Leave some champagne for everyone else!"
 5. "What do you mean there's two more quarters?"
 4. "Let's plan exactly how you're gonna dump the Gatorade on me"
 3. "Okay, boys -- get out there and start sucking!"
 2. "Wait a minute, if we win, we have to go to Disneyland"
 1. "Hey fellas, more fudge?"

Brian Peek
[e-mail]
Owner of Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|  To subscribe to or unsubscribe from the Late Show with David Letterman   |
|          Top Ten List Listserv, send mail to:  [e-mail]           |
|                                                                           |
|       In the body of the message, enter the following to subscribe:       |
|           SUBSCRIBE LETTERMAN-TOP-TEN YourFirstName YourLastName          |
|                            or, to unsubscribe:                            |
|                       UNSUBSCRIBE LETTERMAN-TOP-TEN                       |
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Them special effects is fantastic." --Dave Letterman
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 12:43:16 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tiffany Brandt. Thanks!" <[e-mail]>

UNCRIBE HUMOR. Tiffany Brandt
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 20:37:13 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The brutal ice-capades

The saddest part about the entire incompetant fiasco, from Tonya
Harding's standpoint, is the loss of future income. Regardless of
the legal outcome, her possible earnings from endorsements are
effectively zero. No! Wait! I hear she and her loony husband have
just been signed up by Sega Genesis for "Mortal Combat"..... Look
out for the metal club in level 3.

(Lame, I know, but I actually am on crutches today)

Here's a true story: a guy was on a clinical trial of a new drug,
double-blind (ie. neither he nor his physician knew whether he was
getting the drug, or the placebo). Unfortunately the poor chap
became impotent, and decided he'd have to drop out. His doctor
agreed, and so he stopped taking the pills. Unfortunately, he
WAS taking the placebo. Life is cruel.

Jeff F.         The doctor is in, but he doesn't want to see any more
                sick little twerps today. Go away.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 18:43:59 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.I     A collection of clean humor gathered on: 20 Oct 88

Alone, adj.:
        In bad company.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.

Always remember some people are more human.

Always try to do things in chronological order;
it's less confusing that way.

A man's home is his hassle.

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one
dollar, and use it up in two weeks.

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
                -- John O'Hara

America's best buy for a dime is a telephone call to the right person.

Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
people refuse to see it.
                -- James Michener, "Space"

An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
really care to know.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
                -- A. P. Herbert

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
                -- Herbert Prochnow

A conclusion is often simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

Actor:  "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
        everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford: "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!"

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
                -- Winston Churchill

A fool must now and then be right by chance.

A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.
                                --- Emerson

A hypothetical paradox:
        What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
        team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
        Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
                -- Tom Galloway

A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 22:51:54 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Angel Dey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR: 3 Born Losers <from the cartoons>

The Born Loser is an American comic strip written and draw by Art &
Chip Sansom.

Thornapple, the born loser, is playing golf with his boss. He asks
himself, "What is the definition of a good loser?"
Answer: "A person who's playing golf with his boss!"

Wilberforce Thornapple is practicing badly his piano lessons. The born
loser call out:
"It doesn't sound as if you've been practicing as much as you should,
young man! When Mozart was you age he was already composing!"
Wilberforce: "Yeah and when he was your age, he was already decomposing!"

Poll question: Which our country's resources are we most in danger of
exhausting?
Thornapple's answer: "Its taxpayers!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 21:49:06 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 2/1/94

---> February 1, 1994 <---

=================================================
Top Ten Ways $10 Million Will Change The Slivniks
=================================================

10. No more generic toilet paper...it's Charmin time!
 9. MasterCard will raise their credit limit from $2,000 to "Go nuts,
    Chester!"
 8. Can take a real cruise instead of that one with Kathie Lee
 7. You know eggs?  Those round, white things you have for breakfast?  Well,
    my friends, get used to calling them "Slivniks"
 6. Can now afford to buy President Clinton lots of french fries
    (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries
    spinning around to the music from the film "2001")
 5. Future junk mail from Publishers Clearing House will read, "You may have
    already won another ten million dollars!"
 4. Every evening, a fresh case of Colt .45 will be delivered to their doorstep
    by Mr. Billy Dee Williams
 3. All the wheat they can eat!
    (Dave showed off his record collection, and one song was from an album
    named Number One Hard from the Canada Grain Industry.  This song was
    dedicated to wheat, with the following lyrics:  Wheat, wheat, wheat,
    wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, makes your life complete!)
 2. Can hire guy to take out granddaughter's figure skating rival
 1. Mr. Slivnik has a shot at Marla Maples

Brian Peek
[e-mail]
Owner of Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|  To subscribe to or unsubscribe from the Late Show with David Letterman   |
|          Top Ten List Listserv, send mail to:  [e-mail]           |
|                                                                           |
|       In the body of the message, enter the following to subscribe:       |
|           SUBSCRIBE LETTERMAN-TOP-TEN YourFirstName YourLastName          |
|                            or, to unsubscribe:                            |
|                       UNSUBSCRIBE LETTERMAN-TOP-TEN                       |
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Them special effects is fantastic." --Dave Letterman
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 2 Feb 1994 23:45:42 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      RISQUE (could be offensive to Catholics, deaf people)

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From: Nico van der Vyver
Subject: RISQUE (could be offensive to Catholics, deaf people)

A nun was told that she was to be transferred to the Bahamas.
She rushed to her great friend of many years, another nun, but
the latter quite deaf.

1st nun : "I have been transferred to the Bahamas!"
2nd nun (cupping ears): "Whaat?"
1st nun : "I SAID I HAVE BEEN TRANSFERRED TO THE BAHAMAS!!"
2nd nun : "Whaaat?"
1st nun : "THE   BAHAMAS!  I HAVE BEEN TRANSFERRED TO THE BAHAMAS!"
           (and making appropriate length and size gestures with hands...)
          "WHERE THEY HAVE THE HU-U-U-GE BANANAS AND THE BIIIIG COCONUTS!"
2nd nun : "Father Whooo?"

=======================================================
keep the smiling you all!
______________________________________________________________________

(I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

n
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 12:47:13 +0000
Reply-To:     Microsoft Windows Version 3 Forum <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Resent-From: Jim Doyle <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Originally-From: "BRIAN W. HARRIGER" <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Doyle <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mouse Balls

The following was given to me at work today... I about split my side laughing.
As much as we Win'ners use a mouse I thought it would be appreciated here...
As you read it, keep in mind that this was a REAL tech note....

_______________________________

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

  Mouse balls are now available as FRU.  Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate
or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.  Because of
the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only
be attempted by properly trained personnel.

  Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the undersid
e
of the mouse.  Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.  Domestic balls are
replaced using the twist-off method.  Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive.  However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.  Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be be used immediately.

  It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintainin
g
optimum customer satisfaction, and theat any customer missing his balls should
suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

To re-order, specify the following:

P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
__________________________________

All credit to IBM on this one folks, hope you enjoyed it.


   ----------------------------------------------------------------
   Regards,                BITNET: [e-mail]
   Brian W. Harriger       INTERNET:[e-mail]
   Saugerties, NY
   USA
   [phone] (home)
  ------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 08:35:27 EDT
Reply-To:     "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Celebrity joke

Have you heard of the new drink called the "Tonya-Lorena"?


It's a *Club* Soda with a *slice* of lemon.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 12:53:09 +0000
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sean Boy <[e-mail]>
Organization: University College Dublin
Subject:      mildly offensive - "we sell everything"

A man is walking buy a shop which has a sign in the window reading
"WE SELL ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING".
The man decides to put the shop to the test. He thinks of the most
absurd thing possible. He enters the shop, and asks the shopkeeper,
"Can I have a waist coat for a Chicken, please".
The shopkeeper thinks for a moment, and then goes into the back room.
He returns after a few seconds and hands the man a condom.
The man says "That's not a waist coat for a chicken!!"
To which the shopkeeper replies, "No sir, but it's the closest we've
got - A PULLOVER FOR A COCK"



REMEMBER, DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW, ONLY KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW.

TOP OF THE MORNING TO YE.

SEAN BOY
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 08:48:02 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Elizabeth Bolyard <[e-mail]>
Subject:      may be offensive to orthodox jews

heard on an old episode of _laugh in_...


have a nagilah
   have two nagilah
      have three nagilah...
          they're pretty small..

***
liz bolyard
bolyar_e@denison
***
btw, phillip, i lost your address...
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 09:07:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: semi-sexual joke  [M]ature audiences

ICEman aka Tim wrote:

>To this the girl replies," Get off my back!"

well, when they had finished a particularly satisfying round, the guy says,
"gee, honey!  if i'd have known you were a virgin, i would've taken more
time."
to which, our heroine replies, rather dryly [pun intended],
"if i'd known you had more time, i would've taken off my pantyhose!"

 - - - - -

re:  groundhog day


>Yes, indeed, February 2nd is Groundhog Day, one holiday
>that several of you have not been taking seriously enough.

ever wonder if august 2nd is iguana day, or wombat day, or whatever animal
you might care to use as a surrogate for the groundhog, in the southern
hemisphere?

 - - - - -

RE: how to catch an elephant  [was: allusion to dirty words]

 David L. Kriegel II told us how to catch an elephant thusly:

>When the elephant comes by to take a pea, you kick him in
>the ashhole!

here's an alternative method!

you'll need:

1) pair of binoculars
1) pair of tweezers
1) matchbox

what to do:

1. hide in the bushes until an elephant comes by
2. look at him through the WRONG end of the binoculars
3. because he's so tiny, you can now pick him up with the tweezers and
4. put him in the matchbox!

:)

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 10:46:08 -0500
Reply-To:     Nancy S Burton <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nancy S Burton <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Witty commentary - clean

"There are days when I feel like roadkill on the information
super highway!"      -- J. Koelzer
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 10:48:06 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Scott McKenzie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Reasons why beer is better than cucumbers

We've heard all the reasons why Beer is Better than Women, and
why Cucumbers are Better than Men. Its about time we had


                    BEER vs. CUCUMBERS!


Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers
-----------------------------------------

You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.

Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides

Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave
them in the fridge for a month.

Beer is always in season.

Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles -- on the person
you're looking at, if you drink enough of it ;-)

Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.



Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer
------------------------------------------

Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.

Cucumbers have fewer calories.

Your wife won't complain as much about you sitting around all day
    watching TV and eating cucumbers.

You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.

Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.

You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.

You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.

Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).

You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.

A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.

You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.

You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.


[The cucumbers seem to take it on numbers. So why do we prefer beer?]



Hope you all enjoyed them!
(If anyone has the reasons why a beer is better than a woman, please send
them to me at: [e-mail] -- thanx)

Scott M. McKenzie
Elizabethtown College
Words to live by: If someone upsets you, remember: 'Tis better to be pissed
off than pissed on! ;>
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 09:18:28 CST
Reply-To:     Bret Robideaux <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bret Robideaux <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lorena's future prospects

overheard on comedy show and paraphrased (comedian unknown, show unknown)

    Lady(?) Bobbitt has really screwed up her future chances of
    dating.  No fool in his right mind is gonna ask her out.  She's
    gonna be sitting by the phone munching Doritos until she is and old
    maid.

    Too bad, So sad

Bret
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 3 Feb 1994 12:43:05 -0500
Reply-To:     "D. E. Gulledge" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "D. E. Gulledge" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR Short Story - Relatively Clean

It seems that most of us on the humor list at associated with educational
institutions.  Hence, the following, supposedly true story, may remind
you of similar items from your own background.  I attended the University
of Southern Mississippi from 1964-69 while working on a Bachelors and
Masters degrees.  During this time the school was experiencing some rapid
growth and had acquired a number of homes which were used as faculty
housing while the school was awaiting expansion.  One of the was occupied
by out local nut, a tenured full professor of English.  I guess English
should be entitled to get enjoyment from being eccentric.  Given the
salaries they receive, they are definitely deprived economically.  Well,
this professor was famous for items such as given a . (dot) to a student
for a final grade, and then explaining to the registrar's office that a
dot was all the student deserved.  In his own words, "That kid does know
enough to earn an F, to give him an F would be an insult to all my
hardworking, industrious failures."

On this particular occasion, he became famous.  The professor loved to do
yard work and the home he occupied had become surrounded by the
university.  In fact, it was only about half a block from the
administration building when the school's new president had recently
taken up residence.  While working in his rose garden, he was approached
by an attractive woman in her 40's, and the following conversation occurred.

Her:  I was just admiring your roses, they are so attractive.

Him:  Thank you madam, I am glad you enjoy them.

Her:  We just arrived here recently, my husband is the new president.

Him:  Glad to meet you, I hope you will enjoy the school.

Her:  I'm sure we will, so far we only have one problem.

Him:  What's that madam.

Her:  Well, garden at the president's home is in terrible shape and I
      don't know how I am going to get it back into shape.

Him:  I expect that's because the last president really did not care for
      flower gardens.  Perhaps I could help you out.

Her:  Oh no, I don't know if that would be proper, I know we are not
      supposed to use university maintenance personnel for private work.

Him:  Don't worry madam, I just to this in my spare time, when I'm not
      involved with my regular duties.

Her:  That would make a difference.  Our garden is about the same size as
      this one, but is in a lot worse shape.  Perhaps we could work out
      an arrangement.  I'll be more than happy to pay you.

Him:  That's not necessary.

Her:  I insist.  How much do you charge the lady who lives here.

Him:  Well madam, if you insist, I work the same deal with you that this
      lady has.

Her:  Wonderful, what is that.

Him:  This lady lets me sleep with her.